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Fanfiction Theater #14: Sonic the Hedgehog in “Sonic to a Car”

Welcome friends to another mind-numbing edition of Fanfiction Theater! This story’s author is unknown but apparently is someone from France attempting to write English. It shows… a lot.

Sonic To A Car

so sonic to lok, but tails. not a tails but a knuckles.

So which is it? Tails or Knuckles? Maybe it’s “Knuck-ails”?

so sonic to zoom in a speeding but not fast than a speed. so speed. so sonic locked up and stole a car, to increasment his spead.

Let me get this straight, Sonic, who’s sole gimmic is that he’s a hedgehog that runs really really fast, needs to steal a car to “increasment” his “spead”? Either Sonic is down on his luck or that must be some car.

but police come and jail of sonic, so sonic a jail. “no” say sonic,, “jail” so a jail was sonic.

As punishment for stealing a car, the authorities appear to have opted not to put Sonic in jail, but to turn him into one! This is a hard concept to grasp, so here’s an artist’s depiction:

but tails paid a bail. so sonic was not a jail, but a car to steal.

Oh, my bad. Sonic wasn’t a jail, he was a car. Disregard the previous image.

 and no one trust sonic from a car steall. so no. so sonic do not creation trust, and no trust does he creation. so no trust. but not. and so of the landing a trust to fly away, that sonic a criminals. so sonic back in jail, for sure.. so tails no have the bail, and knuckles not paying. so the sonics in the jail to stay.

If anyone can find any sliver of comprehensibility in this paragraph, please tell me.

 but robots. with no sonic, robots took the city and soon police go we want a sonic out so a sonic out a was. sonic go out. so sonic was out, but much. of sonic. so then sonic destroy the robot of his power, but then sonic was much, so there was. not many. of those.. so sonic deleted the robots but a deletion of the files were corruipted a nd there was comptuer virus. there was bad, but sonic coud no fix, so bad. sonic try to technolcogy but no do, as sonic no schols. so tails to look, but virus were everywhere, it millenisum and so virus. but tails make a spanner and virus gone. 

I thought this story was about Sonic stealing a car, now it appears to be a alternate version of events in which Y2K actually destroyed the world. 

knuckles did no understand the computerings, but workings. so metal sonic makeing a new virus to spread, but the viruscomes alive and out of computer.

Oh great, it’s Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase all over again.

 no sonics to saveing. so sonic does no look from virus but virus to eat people. 

You heard that right, somehow, the computer virus is now eating people, Y2K was going to be a lot worse than people imagined it seems.

sonic in make shock, but tails and knuckles to rexlaxing. so much for the plans of sonics. so sonic to attack virus and virus to attack. but not. so virus to rejection of much attackments. but no workings. because.

Out of Sonic becoming a jail, a virus eating people and more, the part of this story that stands out the most for me is that the author believes “because.” is a complete sentence.

 so the viruss to go and make destroy. so sonic to attack but no failing. so the virus were gone. but no long. for the virus laid a baby viruss.

If you thought the idea of a virus eating people was bad, well now it apparently has the ability to lay “a baby viruss” whatever that is.

 the viruss to run around and more destruction was create. so sonic shut down al tehcnology and all was loosed. but for sonic make an amy so he made a protection!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should never steal a car. If you do you’ll become a jail, then “a car steal” then Y2K will happen and the virus will eat people and make baby “viruss”es and finally you’ll destroy all “tehcnology” but its okay because you can make an amy so you made a protection!


Fanfiction Theater #13: Thrall and Varian in “Horde and Allys Beat the Lich King”

This time we have a World of Warcraft fanfiction.
I’d thought this gem lost forever, but I finally found it. This is by far the best WoW story ever written. Ever.
It was first posted on the official World of Warcraft forums, but its author has been lost to time.

Horde and Allys Beat the Lich King

Thrall and Varian Worm

Varian’s last name is spelled Wyrnn. It’s not even pronounced “worm” its pronounced like “Rhenn”. Oh, where was I?

started to climb into a huge peak. Behind them were the forces of the alliance and the horde! “Hey Varian, do you think we’ll kill the lich king?” thrall asked.

“of course thrall, everyone’s a winner!”

Varian sure seems chipper, I wonder what happened to that whole “the orcs must be annihilated” stuff at the Battle of Undercity?

So, all of the faction leaders followed thrall and varian up the steps of ice crown citadel, but little did they know the lich king had a few tricks up his sleeves!

“RELEASE THE HOUNDS!” the evil cold king said, and hundreds of flaming blue dogs came down the steps and attacked thrall and varian!

“uh oh, these guys are 80 elites! Thrall said.

Remember, this is meant to be a serious piece of literature…

“don’t worry thrall we’ve got them EVERYONE TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS” varian yelled.

So then everyone beat up the dogs and then AN EPIC DROPPED!

“uh oh this is a good item [hound dogs teeth]” thrall said

Thrall was right! That is a good item.

“don’t worry I don’t ninja everyone roll”

Greed roll 35 varian worm

Wrynn, it is spelled W-Y-R-N-N!

Greed roll 66 thrall

Greed roll 50 brann bronze beard

Greed roll 100 hogger

“gratz” said varian as he climbed the stairs

“wait gotta mana up” said the healz. While they were manaing up, the lich king was at the top of the fortress and looked into a crystal ball. It shows everyone and he smashed the ball in anger!

“they musnt get up here!”

The lich king pressed a button that made a giant abomination!

“ill name you pretty and you will destroy these intruders!”

Pretty ran down to them as fast as he could. “you no get up top!”

“its ok, im the gnome king, I got this guys.” said the gnome king and he beat up pretty all by himself.

Mekkatorque’s battle prowess never cease to amaze me.

Then, another epic dropped!

“kk, everyone roll” varian said as he was buffing everyone up

Varian is a warrior, he can’t “buff everyone up” unless he’s using his shouts but they only have a short duration…

Greed roll 100 thrall



The lich king threw frostmourne against the wall in anger!

“this is horrible! What if they get up here! They must!”

They must? Maybe there’s still a bit of Arthas left after all! 

So then thrall and varian and everyone ran up the stairs and up and fought many bosses and a lot of epics dropped.

“wow my bag is getting full of epix lol” said brann bronze beard who won 5 epics the entire time they were there

“varian said” branze are you sure your not a ninja

“lol of course not im not even the group leader”


Then they finally got to the top.

“varian and thrall and everyone else I think its time you all felt the true power of the lich king!

Then bran bronze bread came to the lich king and said “I fooled you I am ninja! And I work for the lich king now lol”

I guess all that time getting beat up by iron dwarves and stone heads in the Halls of Stone have taken their toll on Brann.

“BRANN!!! Your getting guild kicked for this

Brann bronze eared was kicked from the guild by varian worm

Brann bronze bread has left the group

“you were a terrible tank anyway you couldn’t keep agro!”


Brann’s class is never stated in the lore, but his lack of warrior type or magic abilities leads me to believe he’s a rogue. If so that means…


Enough! “the lich king said” “I think its time you felt the true power of the lich king!”

Then the lich king killed everyone except thrall!

“noo! The lich king, how dare you!”

“ha ha ha ha! I will now finish you, puny orc!”

Then, someone said something in thralls ear: don’t worry young warrior you will succeed”

I’m going to go ahead and guess that the someone is Yoda.

Then thrall said “no you wont! I am thrall, champion of the horde!”

Then thrall got healed up to 100% and then thrall said “now feel the true power of the horde!”

Then the lich king said “no! this is impossible!”

“no, this is Sparta!”

And then the thrall killed the lich king.

Now that’s how you end a villain of Lich King proportions Blizzard!

10 years later:

Thrall stood in a graveyard and said “I miss you varian”, you will be remembered by both the horde and alliance.

What about all the other leaders who died? Why would the horde remember Varian when they hate him and he died before he could even fight the Lich King? I assume everyone, including myself, is laughing too much to care.

Fanfiction Theater #12: Some Girl Named Lura in “Titanic: The Wedding”

In this edition we will be reading one of the works of an author by the name of Jack Russel. Jack specifically calls this his “valentines special” and you will soon see why. I give you a tale love, time travel, and robot android machines. I give you:

Titanic: The Wedding
Lura was a on the Titanic and drink wine. She was going to get marryied to Mike Tomson and she was realy exited as she liked ships.

And not because she’s getting married? This relationship won’t last long.

 “This is a great ship she” siad to self.

Lhura talked to her brother billy who was also exited about teh wedding, “It makes me whish i had’t split up with my second wife he” sayed. Lura had met Mike at a shop were they fell in lvoe with each other.

More proof that they’re not meant to be. They were never in love, just in “lvoe”.

Lura got on weding dess and head to the alter.


Tina knew that she had to stop the wedding as she was a detative from the future and knew that Lura and Mike’s dauter would grow up to become an evil dictator and start a nucler war with France, Amrica, Korea, Belgium and the rest of the world.

I’ve spent weeks studying maps of the world and I still cannot find “Amrica”.

“I have to stop the wedding” she sayed, She ran into the alter room and shouted “STOP THE WEDDING, THIS WEDDING MUST BE STOPPED!111”. But she was stopped and trown back to the future.

Wait, if they knew she was from the future, and thus knew that it was a wasteland and she was stopping it, why did they “trow” her back?

Tina looked around teh westland that had been made by the nuclear war destroied buidings were everywere and nuclear winter was going on, “I must stop this future” She saided. Tina then stated to look for componats for her time machine.

Just then she was attacked by a space mutant which was made from nucler radiaon and nucler snow. She got out her gut and shot at it but it didn’t work

“She got out her gut”, artist’s depiction:

, so she tried a moar powerfull weepon and injured the mutant.

Tina then foud the last part of her time machine and whent back to the past. “If there’s ny resean why they should not marry say NOW!11” Said the priest, Tina new that she had do somthing fast but what. Then she had an idea.

“I know” she said. “Lura I what to marry” Tina sid. “Whell you are kina cute” Lura said “I will marry Tina”.


“I will knot let my duagter marry another women” sayed Lura’s father with rage. “But yoy have to” said Tina, “Your rite” he said as knew the Tina was right.

Tina and Lura were just about to get marryed when an Evil Android Machine Robart came from the futuer to stop the wedding. “YO WILL ALL DIE!1111” The Evil Android Machine Robot shouted.

So it’s a gangster on top of being an Evil Android Machine “Robart” too?

Tina and Lura started to attack the Evil Android Machine Robot and it fort them back. They fighting an epic battle when Tina and Lura started to losed the fight. Then the Evil Android Machine Robot satred to charged its lazor cannons to kill Tina and Lura.

When the Titanic started sinkg.

Oh yeah, this is a Titanic fanfiction. I had completely forgotten.

 “Quick get to teh time macine” sayed Tina. So Tina and Lura whent into Time Macine just as the Titanic sank and took the Evil Android Machine Robot with it.

Tina and Lura escaped back to futuer which was now happy place instead of dead and nuclear wared like it was. “We did” Lura sayed with joy and they kissed.

A year later Tina and Lura were married and Lura was pregnant with Tina’s Lezbain child.


They had a “Lezbain” child. Somehow that not as bad but close to as bad as Master Chief ordering his soldiers to do unspeakable things to the covenant troops in terms of insanity.

Fanfiction Theater #11: Master Chief in “Halo: Time Paradox”, Part 7

Now the epic conclusion of “Halo: Time Paradox” will covenant leader be defeated? Will Master Chief and daughter get together? Read on to find out!

Part 7: The Final Battle

Them, the vortex opened inside covenant ship, sucking out Master and aughter. Daughter’s father them said:

“Yuo ALIVE? This cannoit be!”

“You can count on this pal!” said Master.

“Time to die my father!” cried daughter, with her bow in hands, and she lauched thousand arrows on his father’s body, eviscerating his internal organs and filling the air with blood from his corpse. He was finished, and only could say:

“Sorry…my daughter…I…” and he’s dead.

But you tried to KILL HER a few hours ago!

The battle is over, Master Chief ordered his soldiers to anally rape all the Covenant lefty alive, so they be human’s slaves. The soldiers like, because were very much longer from their homes and their wifes. Now they can satisfy their sexual appetites.

That line. That’s just. I don’t have anything I could possibly say in response to that.

“So now, what will be daughter?” asked Master.

“SHUTUP!” cried out lout daughter as she picked Master Chief checks and started toi kiss him passionately. He retributed, with a lot bigger kiss, and they were happy.

Aww, he managed to make a romance between Master Chief and the daughter of the alien overlord he’s spent three games trying to kill work. ComicsNix, you are a pure genius.


Now, after three years, Master Chief and daughter are a happy couple, married, with two children and with a small house near england, were rests the corpse of his friends Robin. They build a big memorial to him, so no one would forget the great king he was.

And so ends the saga of Halo: Time Paradox by ComicsNix. Though I do wonder what daughter and Master Chief’s kids look like. They can’t be a pretty sight…

Fanfiction Theater #10: Master Chief in “Halo: Time Paradox”, Part 6

Despite part 6’s title, this is not the final battle. In fact the next section is ALSO called “The Final Battle”.

Part 6: The Final Battle

Robin, Master and daughter went up and reached the king’s room. He was expectng:

“Ah, you finally came! Come in and join me in a banquet.” said the king.

They just painted the walls with the organs and “stmochs” of his guards, blew up the Sheriff of Nottingham’s head and killed a widow for good measure and now the king wants to have a banquet with these maniacs?

“King Arthur, you think you you escape yihs time?” said Ronib.

Oh,m don’t be desperat, let’s eat.” said King Arthur.

For the supposed villain, King Arthur is a pretty good host.

Master, daughter and Robin seated o n the dinnig tabel. It’s was full of good food, shrimps, lobsters and octopus, very fresh, take from the sea. They eated and got full.

What happened to “killing the corrupt king and taking back The Land of Themselves”?

“So Robin, why you want to kill me?” asked Kinh Artur.

“You steal the money from our people!” asaid Robin.

“But i invest the money in scholls and education.”

“Yes, but only for your family!”

“Yeah, that’s a point.”

I think this is the only part of the story that is intentionally meant to be funny.

Them, the King got up from his dinnig chair and said:

“Time ti die Robin!”

King arthur took a flaming whip from under the table and slashed it in robin’r direction. The daughter went very faster and put Robuin from harm’s way.

“Damn!” cried Arthur,.

The daughter them jumped to Arthur and startd to punch him, but arthur was fast and threw it whip on the chandelier and flew all over the room.

“Come here you coward” cried daughter.

Athur them whiped from the chadelier everyone, and hurt everyone, but Master picked his Claymore and slashed Arthuer whip with a big blow:

“Ahh, my whip!” and arthur run to a cecret chamber behing his throne and looked himself in.

“Get out Arthur, to face you dead!” cried Robin.

Bt them, the door opened, and rom it, a big mean fivsix feet tall exoesquleton with arthur inside emerged from the chamber. The exoesqueleton had six arms with laser and swords, swinging menacingly to Master and his crew.

“Look out Master! He is deadly enemiy now!” shouted daughter.

So Arthur wasn’t a deadly enemy when he had a magical fire-whip that could cut through anything?

The Exo-Arthur moved towerds them and started to shhot laser.

“AHA AHA AHA AH!” he laughed maniacally.

Exo-Arthur, artist’s depiction:

Robin diodn’t knew what to do, he never confrounted suxh a big monster in hes life, he was not prepared to face the future. Buyt master ans daughter had experience, so they enginneered a plan. Daughter jumped behing the monster and started to kick it in the ass. Arthr felt th e pain,m because the exoesqueletor was hardwired oin his brrain.

The suit is hardwired so that Arthur feels it’s pain? That’s the stupidest design flaw ever.

Msater them kicked in with all his for in the groin, making arthur face go purple. It was very hurtful, but arthur didn’t gave hope way, and wen t to attack them, swing his sword s and shooting the lasers in every direction. The roof of the castle wars crumbling and falling, and the herioes had to put themselves appart to not get a rock on head.

TH castle starteeeed to shake with so much bruises. Masaster and daughter them chared n the Exo-arthur direction, and Master with Claymore and daughter with the blow, punctured arthur’s skull witha final lethal blow, making a hole in his front nose and to his neck, spewing arthur’s brains all over england.

(Insert joke about England stereotypes being caused by the entire country being covered in Arthur’s brain matter)

Robin the said:

“Quiclky master and daughter, the Merlin is inside the chamber, he can tke you back to your land!”

The three went to th sectret chamber, but nho Merlin. They only saw a strange cricular device. It was Coveant technology! All the time, there was now Merlin, only future tech.

How did covenant technology end up in King Arthur’s castle? Especially considering that they didn’t even invent the time machine that caused all this mess, but found it only a strange planet and like it because it “was big, and looked dangerous”.

They them activated the portal befoe the castle crumbled in ruins, and them did farewell to Robin:

“Thanks Robin, without uoy we can’t back home!” said Master.

“Thnaks too Robin, you’re a gentleman…!” said daughter.

“Farewell my friends, now, when you want to go back, you can stay in my castle!” said Robin, the now king of England!

I don’t quite think that’s how succession of the throne works. Also I do not at all remember this Robin Hood story.

Master and daughter entered the machine.

Stay tuned for the shocking conclusion to “Halo: Time Paradox”!

Fanfiction Theater #9: Master Chief in “Halo: Time Paradox”, Part 5

The gripping saga of Master Chief and Robin Hood versus the corrupt British Monarchy continues!


Part 5: The Invasion

The rebels, leaded by Robin Hoods went in stealtly in side the town. They aproaxed the enemy gates. Master and daughter were with them.

Talking very silently, Robin said to his fellow soldiers:

“Okay, now we storm the castle and kill the KING!” cried Robin as he kicked the front door. All rebels enterd the castle and started to eviscerate the guards inside. Bowels and stochs flung away at the castle walll, painting the wall and the ground red with the blood of fallen heroes.

Blood of fallen heroes implies that it’s Robin Hood’s men who are dying. So far this invasion isn’t going very well.

Master was cutting soldiers and daughter drilling them in the eyes with her bow.

Daughter, you shoot people with a bow, you don’t use it to drill their eyes out!

Carnage and sweating contaminated the air, the war has begun!

“Master and daughter, acompain me in this stairs, we must kill the Nottingham Sheriff.

The went up the staris. The Sheriff was witing with a big blaster gun, of a kind that shots lasers. It had three cannons of repeated fire mode.

“AHHH, Ronib Hoodm I was expecting you!” said the Sheriff as he shoot the lasers to Robin. In a nanosecind, Ronib deflected the laser with his magic sword, destroyng the roof.

I don’t remember any of the Robin Hood stories containing laser cannons or Robin having a magic sword.

“How can he have a laser gun?” asked Master to Robin.

“It’s the Magic of Merlin! He makes these wepons to the high officers.”

Oh great, now he’s got King Arthur involved in all this?

Sheriff shoot another ball of energy, and this time it picked the daughter shoulder arm.

“NOOOOO” cried a unhappy Master with what has happened. He Went to daughter and huged her:

“Don’t ide!” said Master.

“I will not, it’s a mild hurt…” said daughter.

Them, they looke in the eyes of one another and knew. Butt Shriff was very angry and don’t let that continue.

Butt Shriff

“Now you will die!”

Ronin, with his fast legs when to Sherriff and Jumped ten feet in the air, and landed on Sherif’s head with his boot, shifiting his neck and exploding his brains with suck a strong blow from his feet.

“AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!” cried Sheriff of Nothingham, as he felt to his down from the widow behind him.

He killed a widow too? Overkill, Robin, waaaaaay too much overkill.

Master and daughter got up and went with Robin to the king chamber, to the final confrontation.

Dun dun DUUUUN!

Fanfiction Theater #8: Master Chief in “Halo: Time Paradox”, Part 4

Last time, The Covenant found a machine that was “big and looked dangerous” and defying all logic decided to use it on Master Chief. However instead of killing him it sent Chief and the Covenant Leader’s daughter to the Middle Ages where they have now teamed up with… Robin Hood.
Part 4: The Plan

Robin Hood was lecturing Master and daughter on the problem:

“This is why we need you’re power to overcome the evil ruler.”

The daughter was not liking. She wanted revenge, not help dung covered townspeople.

Daughter wanted revenge, and yet she does not want to take revenge on the guards who tried to kill her?

Master them said:

“Well, we don’t know how to go away, it’s not a big deall if we help these people…”

“Well, actually, I think we can send yuou back in your time friends!” said Roin.

Who’s Roin? Don’t randomly add characters without a proper introduction!

“Oh yes?” said master.

“Yes, the castle have a powerful magician that serves the king. We never saw him, it sems h e makes powerful speells to his king. We can kdinap him we we finish the king and you go back to your land!” said a faithfl Robin.

“So be it!” said daughter.

Unhappily, master and daughter weapons got discharge when they soot so many soldiers back in the city.

But ComicsNix, you said that daughter didn’t have a weapon and used her fists before? Her fists have “got discharge”?! That sounds serious.

 But Robin got a present:

“To yes Master Chief, a big Claymor!” and he lend the big sword to Master.

“And you Master’s girlfrined, a big bow and archer, to shoot people in the eyes, like me!” and Robin lend the bow and archer to the daughter.

Robin Hood gave Master Chief a sword, and he gave daughter a big bow AND someone who can shoot it for her? I think Chief got the bad end of that deal.

“Why I keep the crap weapon?” asked her.

“You have the finese of a lady of war, a lady of very distant lands, clamoring the kindom of your people…” and them Robin picked her hand and kissed. She blushed, turning violent color.

“turning violent color.” Master of Expositions, people! Master of Expositions.

 But master have’nt liked it. He was sarting to cultivate eeling for daughter. She was beatiful and strong, thge perfect woman to him he thought.

“So, let’s move and destroy the king!” cried Master Chief as he put his helmet on.

Everyone of the rebels ocompanied and were happy. They will get black the land of themselves.

The Land of Themselves? That’s almost as bad as Newfoundland.