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Fanfiction Theater #13: Thrall and Varian in “Horde and Allys Beat the Lich King”

August 17, 2011

This time we have a World of Warcraft fanfiction.
I’d thought this gem lost forever, but I finally found it. This is by far the best WoW story ever written. Ever.
It was first posted on the official World of Warcraft forums, but its author has been lost to time.

Horde and Allys Beat the Lich King

Thrall and Varian Worm

Varian’s last name is spelled Wyrnn. It’s not even pronounced “worm” its pronounced like “Rhenn”. Oh, where was I?

started to climb into a huge peak. Behind them were the forces of the alliance and the horde! “Hey Varian, do you think we’ll kill the lich king?” thrall asked.

“of course thrall, everyone’s a winner!”

Varian sure seems chipper, I wonder what happened to that whole “the orcs must be annihilated” stuff at the Battle of Undercity?

So, all of the faction leaders followed thrall and varian up the steps of ice crown citadel, but little did they know the lich king had a few tricks up his sleeves!

“RELEASE THE HOUNDS!” the evil cold king said, and hundreds of flaming blue dogs came down the steps and attacked thrall and varian!

“uh oh, these guys are 80 elites! Thrall said.

Remember, this is meant to be a serious piece of literature…

“don’t worry thrall we’ve got them EVERYONE TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS” varian yelled.

So then everyone beat up the dogs and then AN EPIC DROPPED!

“uh oh this is a good item [hound dogs teeth]” thrall said

Thrall was right! That is a good item.

“don’t worry I don’t ninja everyone roll”

Greed roll 35 varian worm

Wrynn, it is spelled W-Y-R-N-N!

Greed roll 66 thrall

Greed roll 50 brann bronze beard

Greed roll 100 hogger

“gratz” said varian as he climbed the stairs

“wait gotta mana up” said the healz. While they were manaing up, the lich king was at the top of the fortress and looked into a crystal ball. It shows everyone and he smashed the ball in anger!

“they musnt get up here!”

The lich king pressed a button that made a giant abomination!

“ill name you pretty and you will destroy these intruders!”

Pretty ran down to them as fast as he could. “you no get up top!”

“its ok, im the gnome king, I got this guys.” said the gnome king and he beat up pretty all by himself.

Mekkatorque’s battle prowess never cease to amaze me.

Then, another epic dropped!

“kk, everyone roll” varian said as he was buffing everyone up

Varian is a warrior, he can’t “buff everyone up” unless he’s using his shouts but they only have a short duration…

Greed roll 100 thrall

“grats”

“thx”

The lich king threw frostmourne against the wall in anger!

“this is horrible! What if they get up here! They must!”

They must? Maybe there’s still a bit of Arthas left after all! 

So then thrall and varian and everyone ran up the stairs and up and fought many bosses and a lot of epics dropped.

“wow my bag is getting full of epix lol” said brann bronze beard who won 5 epics the entire time they were there

“varian said” branze are you sure your not a ninja

“lol of course not im not even the group leader”

“kk”

Then they finally got to the top.

“varian and thrall and everyone else I think its time you all felt the true power of the lich king!

Then bran bronze bread came to the lich king and said “I fooled you I am ninja! And I work for the lich king now lol”

I guess all that time getting beat up by iron dwarves and stone heads in the Halls of Stone have taken their toll on Brann.

“BRANN!!! Your getting guild kicked for this

Brann bronze eared was kicked from the guild by varian worm

Brann bronze bread has left the group

“you were a terrible tank anyway you couldn’t keep agro!”

“lol”

Brann’s class is never stated in the lore, but his lack of warrior type or magic abilities leads me to believe he’s a rogue. If so that means…

EVASION TANK GO! GO!

Enough! “the lich king said” “I think its time you felt the true power of the lich king!”

Then the lich king killed everyone except thrall!

“noo! The lich king, how dare you!”

“ha ha ha ha! I will now finish you, puny orc!”

Then, someone said something in thralls ear: don’t worry young warrior you will succeed”

I’m going to go ahead and guess that the someone is Yoda.

Then thrall said “no you wont! I am thrall, champion of the horde!”

Then thrall got healed up to 100% and then thrall said “now feel the true power of the horde!”

Then the lich king said “no! this is impossible!”

“no, this is Sparta!”

And then the thrall killed the lich king.

Now that’s how you end a villain of Lich King proportions Blizzard!

10 years later:

Thrall stood in a graveyard and said “I miss you varian”, you will be remembered by both the horde and alliance.

THE END!
What about all the other leaders who died? Why would the horde remember Varian when they hate him and he died before he could even fight the Lich King? I assume everyone, including myself, is laughing too much to care.

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From → MSTs, Video Games

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